Traffic report

Notice: the variable green- and red-lighted lane arrows on Cedar Hill were removed in 2003. Drivers are advised to use the extreme right lane when ascending or descending the hill until other drivers become accustomed to the change. Suggested alternatives are Mayfield Road, Edgehill Road, or North Park Boulevard and MLK Drive/Fairhill Road.

Potholes have been reported on Mayfield Road, Edgehill Road, North Park Boulevard and MLK Drive/Fairhill Road. To avoid rough roads on the way to downtown, Heights-area drivers are advised to travel east on SR 87 to Richmond Road south and Chagrin Boulevard east, then follow I-271 south to I-480 west to I-80 west. At the I-90 merge, proceed east on I-90 to downtown Cleveland. No new paving is anticipated in urban areas until approximately two years after the conclusion of the Kasich administration.

Posted signs in the Fairmount Taylor area that prohibit on-street parking during the morning rush hour are not visible during the morning rush hour because they are obscured by cars parking there. Be advised that drivers in this sector exhibit significant randomness, even after getting coffee. Drivers are reminded to use directional signals to indicate where they intend to turn their automobiles, e.g., using the left signal when making a U-turn across the median in order to triple-park in front of a fire hydrant, or using the right signal when abruptly sweeping across five lanes while descending Cedar Hill.

On North Park, some drivers complain that police allow people to drive too quickly, while others complain that the police issue too many speeding tickets. Quantum physicists at Case Western Reserve University are investigating.

Scientists are also examining the parking deck at University Square. It is widely observed that people entering the structure experience a mysterious form of amnesia that causes them to forget how to operate their vehicles. The structure may be a "soft spot" between our universe and a parallel one in which different laws and behaviors have evolved. Producers for the television program "Fringe" have contacted officials about filming a series of episodes in which hapless individuals become stranded in a strange netherworld between the Pier 1 and Target levels. Drivers are advised to avoid that level if they were not already doing so.

It is reported that numerous streets off Green Road and South Belvoir Boulevard seem as if they might directly connect those two north-south thoroughfares, but this is not the case. Also, travelers are advised that no convenient route between Warrensville Center Road and South Taylor Road north of Cedar and south of Mayfield has yet been identified, except by herds of deer.

Please note that middle school children walking home in the afternoon may be mistaken for herds of deer. The Shaker Lakes Nature Center suggests a handy means of identification: when a herd of deer obliviously wanders into the street, it rarely stops in the middle to a have snowball fight. Rush-hour drivers on Cedar Road west of Lee need not be concerned if they see people standing at crosswalks. The lights will never change in favor of pedestrians no matter how many times they press the crossing request buttons.

Some cyclists inquired whether their bicycles need to look exactly like the one in the sharrow picture stenciled on selected roadways. According to officials, the graphic is intended as an abstract representation of a "generic" bicycle, and all bicycles may follow the sharrows. It is also stressed that it is not necessary to attempt to "hop" the bicycle from one sharrow to the next.

Please note that the Heights-to-downtown underground rollerblade wind-tunnel highway that was to have been built using federal stimulus funds has been canceled by the governor in favor of cash payments to outer-suburban SUV owners in order to offset the socialist "freedom-tax" of increased fuel expenditure.