Parenting Q & A

Ellen Barrett, a parent educator at Family Connections (formerly known as Heights Parent Center) for the last 12 years, fields questions from parents about the daily ups and downs of parenting. The same issues impact many parents. E-mail questions to Barrett at ebarrett@heightsparentcenter.org. 

Q. Our 4-year-old daughter has been telling some very tall tales lately. Some of them are stories about what she did at school that day, such as, “We went to the zoo where we saw the tallest giraffe in the world and got to ride on it.” Other times, she tattles about another child, saying, “Sam ate my snack so I didn’t get any today.” At home, she blames her sister for anything that goes wrong. Most of the time, we are pretty sure that she isn’t telling the truth, and we are worried that these stories will lead to outright lying. What should we do?    

A. Although it may seem like your daughter’s behavior is malicious or conniving, it is a normal part of her development and, in fact, she is acting like many other 4-year-olds. Here are a few possible reasons why a preschooler may spin tall tales or deny the truth, and a few strategies for you as the parent:

* Your child has an active imagination. This is one of the most delightful reasons why your preschooler might be telling a “lie.” A sense of adventure and the ability to imagine things outside of everyday life are important skills that can be an entertaining outlet for your child. They can also help build skills for creative writing, storytelling or interactive play. As a parent, you can relax and enjoy this tale telling, and even join in by asking questions or encouraging descriptive detail.

* Your child is indulging in wishful thinking. Your child may feel bad about spilling her milk or drawing on the wall, and she may be scared of punishment. A natural way for her to deal with that fear is denial. Do not accuse your child of the misdeed; instead, state the unacceptable behavior and suggest a solution, such as, “We should draw on paper, not the wall. Let's can clean it up.” This will help your child feel good about telling the truth, and will encourage her to be truthful in the future.

* Your child needs to feel good about an accomplishment. If your child says that she climbed to the top of the tallest tree in your yard, you know that didn’t happen, but saying it did make her feel strong and brave. Suggest a more reasonable feat for her to try, such as, “Let’s see how fast you can run to the top of the hill.” Praise her by saying,  “Wow, you must be really strong—look how fast you did that!” Your child will see that being strong can take many forms, and she doesn’t have to invent an extraordinary act.

* Your child is forgetful. Preschoolers are very busy and often have short attention spans. It is possible that your child truly does not remember something. Helping her to recreate a series of events may trigger her memory and enable her to set the record straight.

* Your child wants attention. She may have learned that lying is an effective way to get your attention, even if your reaction is negative. Try to keep your reaction neutral as you sort out the details and get to the truth.

Although lying is typical for this age, it is still your job as a parent to help guide your child toward truthfulness. Praise honesty when you see it, help her to recognize her feelings, and offer a positive resolution, such as, “Thank you for telling me you spilled your milk. I can see you feel bad about it. You’ll feel better when we get it all cleaned up.” With guidance, that pattern of behavior will catch on as she develops and matures.

Recognize your own tendency to bend the truth. For example, don’t ask your child to say she liked grandma’s cookies if she really didn’t. A preschooler is unable to tell the difference between degrees of mistruth. Finally, be sure to reassure her that you love her no matter what—even when she writes on the wall.

Ellen Barrett

Ellen Barrett, a parent educator at Family Connections (formerly known as Heights Parent Center) for the last 12 years, fields questions from parents about the daily ups and downs of parenting. The same issues impact many parents. E-mail questions to Barrett at ebarrett@heightsparentcenter.org.

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Volume 4, Issue 4, Posted 12:59 PM, 04.05.2011